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Episode 4/Transcript
Matthew: So then she was all like, "No, you are." And then I was all like, "No, you are." And then she was all like, "I kind of am." So long story short, she's kinda my mouth date now. Tanner: I am so good at football. Justin: Hey Tanner, we're all pretty good at football. Blaine: Yeah, that's why this year we're going to State! All: State! State! State! State! (wolf howls) Yeah! Than: State, huh? Hey, more like... uh, gay! Tanner: Goddammit, Jonathan! Who let you in here? Than: Not much. Tanner: What? Than: Uh, I thought you were gonna say "What are you lookin' at?" And then I was gonna say, "Not much." (The football players look at each other) Than: Are you... are you gonna say "What are you looking at? Tanner: No, Jonathan. Than: Hey! The name's not Jonathan! Justin: Oh my god, are you gonna try and nickname yourself again? Than: The name... is Than! Matthew: The fuck kind of name is Than? Than: It's like Jona''than'', only shorter. Tanner: Why wouldn't you just go by Jon? Than: 'Cuz I don't play by your rules, man! Blaine: That's dumber than the time in the third grade when you tried to get everyone to call you "Uncle Jessie"! Than: Hey, that would have worked if you guys would've agreed to call yourselves "The Rippers"! Matthew: Stop trying to force your Full House references on us. You're the only person who gets those. Than: Fuck you. Matthew: Suck my dick. Than: Okay. Matthew: What? Than: Drop trou. I'll suck your dick right now! Matthew: Dude, that was an expression! Right? Am I right? That's an expression, right guys? Blaine: That's an expression. Matthew: Not an invitation. Blaine: No. Than: I'll suck your dicks right now. Go ahead, push them together like a little sandwich. Om nom nom nom nom. I'm hungry for lunch! Justin: Okay, seriously, we told you last week if you're gonna watch us shower again, we're gonna tell Principal Nubbins. Than: Well then, in that case, why don't you go ahead and pop off that towel and I'll play with your butt-hole a little bit? Matthew: Jonathan! You are not gonna suck any of our dicks today, and you're not gonna play with any of out buttholes either. Than: Well, I guess we see who the real man is here, don't we? Blaine: I'm a real man! I'm not afraid! (Matthew, Justin, and Tanner try to hold Blaine back) Matthew: Hold it! Woah woah woah woah woah! Get back, Blaine! Goddammit. Justin: No, get back Blaine! God. Blaine: Are you trying to infer that because you're willing to do stuff to our butts, it proves that you're more of a man than us? Than: I'm not saying anything... I'm-I'm just sayin'. Tanner: The only thing that you're sayin' is that you're gay. Than: I'm not gay. You're gay! Tanner: Yeah, so? Than: Wait, what? Tanner: I'm gay, dude. Justin: Yeah, he's definitely gay. Matthew: Yeah, he's gay. Blaine: We had an assembly about it. Matthew: He has been in a gay monogamous relationship for a long time. We accept you, bro. Tanner: Thank you, man. (Matthew and Tanner high five) Than: But... what... I-I thought... Tanner: Are we done here, Jon? I'm going to shower. Than: Hey! (The boys turn around) Than: Would it be weird... if I joined you guys... for a shower? Matthew: Oh, well. I don't know. Why don't we take a poll. I vote no. Justin: I vote no too. Tanner: Fuck no! Blaine: Well, I always believe in giving people, the benefit of the doubt, so maybe we should— Tanner: Damn it, Blaine! Sit down! Matthew: God damn it, God damn it, Blaine! Justin: Ah! Shut up! Blaine: Okay, I vote no too. Than: Okay, and I'm a yes, so let's see that's... oh. Justin: We all just finished football practice, man. And smell terrible. Matthew: And you, on the other hand, have just been hanging around the boys locker room, not doing much of anything. Blaine: The only other person that does that is Coach Spitz. (Coach Spitz appears out of a stall, laughing) Coach Spitz: Carry on. (The football team removes their towels and begin to walk towards the showers) Than: One last question. (The team turns around) Than: ...How come Matthew Deringer doesn't have a penis or testicles? (The camera pans to the football team. Blaine, Tanner, and Justin have black censor bars covering their genitals. Matthew doesn't, revealing a lack of genitals) Matthew: Oh god. Because I wasn't born with any, bro. Tanner: Seriously offensive, Jonathan, you ask us this every week. Than: Well, yeah, but... why-why doesn't he? Justin: It's a congenital birth defect, dude. Blaine: Don't be a dick, bro. Matthew: Unbelievable. (They leave for the showers as Than starts crying) Than: It's reasons like this you don't have any friends, Jonathan, Reasons like this. Matthew: Hey, man. Than: Huh? Matthew: Don't you dare look at our butts. (Than begins to cry again)